i decided to start this blog – weeks ago – and have been Fucked Up about it ever since. for all of these weeks, these uncomfortably many weeks, i kept thinking about how utterly pointless this endeavor might be and how i’m probably woefully unprepared for the responsibility of it (responsibility is scary as fuck, particularly when it comes to affecting other people’s lives holy hell).
what if this blog doesn’t mean anything to anyone? what if i’m not adding anything to any of these conversations? what if i’m just taking up space that would be better used by other individuals with more knowledge and better understandings of all things? what if i’m trying to have too many conversations or i’m making it too personal or not personal enough and therefore will reach no one anyway??? (this before i’ve even written a goddamn post! i’ve been too incapacitated by my fears to even!!! write a post!!!) and just, seriously, choruses and choruses of WHAT IF NONE OF WHAT I WRITE HERE MATTERS TO ONE SINGLE PERSON EVER in off-key reverberations, like my head’s a cathedral hosting the world’s worst children’s choir.
and like, it might not!! all of this might be the biggest exercise in futility i have ever put time and effort and heart into!! it truly might turn out to not mean one goddamn thing to anybody.
but i want to do this and that should be enough. fuck, it’s gonna have to be enough because i don’t fuckin’ have anything else. i don’t have confidence or assurance of my purpose or even a reasonable belief that i can pull this off or that it’ll matter one iota. so fuck that noise, i guess. that bad kids’ choir is out of a job because i’m done listening.
basically what i’m getting at is idk dude. i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing and i’m worried that i’m gonna say the wrong thing and i’m worried that i’ve already met and surpassed the “fuck” tolerance of everybody who might read this. i could worry forever or i could do the thing!! and see how it goes!!! so i’m doing the thing because i want to do the thing.
and, like, if you’re holding back on something because of tone deaf thoughts bouncing around your skull, please feel encouraged to hit the mute button on that and give ‘er a go. maybe all of our worries will come to fruition. but either something will happen or nothing will happen and nothing, frankly, sounds certain to be terrible. you and i can be helpless and flaily and generally clueless – but progressing! – together.