mental illness can eat my ass

i’ve been having a bad mental health…ten days or so. i just wanna be unconscious all the time. nothing feels worth doing. i literally don’t even wanna drive right now and that’s not even a feeling i’ve ever had before. or an anti-feeling i’ve ever had before. i really fucking hate depression!!! i have zero emotions, unless you count a vague sense of dread and self-loathing, and it is so irritating! i was working on so many projects!! i was getting shit done!! now i literally just wanna not be cognizant of anything, let me sleep until this passes. just like. knock my ass out.

but it won’t pass unless i do something to shoo it along. which is – you guessed it – super hard when i don’t wanna do anything!!! i can’t even manage to get glitter on my face anymore. this is the literal worst i’m so mad at myself. i was doing so good!!! nothing significant happened!!! just WHAM BAM SADNESS. or apathy i guess mostly. i’m so miserable!! it’s so stupid!!

ugh oh my god you guys. how does life work for the neurotypical. do neurotypical people exist? or are they just better liars than i am?

i’m so sick to death of all this pointless noise in my head.

and this post is pointless and self-indulgent and probably the anti-thesis of helpful but i’m so afraid if i don’t make it i won’t stick to the promise i’m about to make to myself which is to get up tomorrow at a reasonable time, produce a Look, get dressed up, and go to starbucks to wORK ON ANYTHING jesus christ. i gotta get a fanfic finished or make some progress on a poem or plan my drive to seattle or something my god.

if you need to be held accountable for doing something for your mental health, write it out in the comments okay i’ll know you did it and then you’ll have to follow through. we’ll be mental health accountability buddies. good luck to us. ❤

One thought on “mental illness can eat my ass

  1. Hey Ky! I’m sorry you’re struggling right now! I know mental health issues all too well. I’m proud of you for noticing that change needs to happen and then making plans to do it. Can’t wait to see a selfie of your look tomorrow 🙂

    Something I need to work on mental health-wise is giving myself grace when things don’t go as planned. My promise to myself is to not set expectations for tomorrow. It’s kind of opposite of what you need tomorrow. I just need to let myself rest because my tendency is to try to push through and keep going, but then I feel like I’m continually treading water, trying not to drown. Love you, my friend!

    Like

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